...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
