My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
