I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
