I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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