Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I love you.
Bad choice
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
