I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
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I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
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He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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