your parents love me but you hate me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
