I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
