Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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