everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
