I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
