she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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