it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I can text with my tongue
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
