i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
