If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
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First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
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There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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