You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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