Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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