My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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