Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
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I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
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There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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