I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
