if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
