I think i peed on brittanys purse
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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