Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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