ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize