It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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