Where did you get a picture of my penis
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
