Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
