Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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