If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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