you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I am one with the molecules
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
