If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
