Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
