Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
