Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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