I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I forget how to act sober
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