I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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