I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
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Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
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bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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