My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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