dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
