Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
