I got chris browned last night
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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