so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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