3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize
