Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
