my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
