I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
