Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
