after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize