I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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