Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
