Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
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the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
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what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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