Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i drank out of a bidet.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
