Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
