i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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