Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
